It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
