I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
