My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
