I just saw a hot homeless man
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
