i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
