You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
