Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
