Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
