What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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