Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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