Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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