So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
