God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
