who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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