someone get that fucking seahorse.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
