Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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