I met the friendliest cop last night
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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