I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
