My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
