a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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