So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
