Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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