i just wanna soil my oats bro
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
