Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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