So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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