if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
