I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
