I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
