areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
