Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She's the barista slut.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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