if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
