I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he thought i was a dude.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
