Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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