I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
PANTIES FOUND
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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