the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
