I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
