I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
