i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
