You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
