guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
