it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
