worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize