i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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