Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
