If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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