All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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