he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
