His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
