I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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