happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
