I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
