John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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