did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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