A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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