John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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