Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
