his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
