we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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