Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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