Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
