I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize