I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
