whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
