Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
