can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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