I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize