just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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